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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #871
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
    When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
    "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
    "Actually, no," the man replied."
    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
    "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
    "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
    "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
    "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

  2. #872
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying.
    Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, “I’m so old. I’m so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment.”
    Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, “Your eyes still work!”


  3. #873
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Three men were at a bar talking about coincidences. The first man said, "My wife was reading "A Tale of Two Cities" and she gave birth to twins"
    "That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
    The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
    When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves"!!!

  4. #874
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Thomas left his small hometown to attend college and become a lawyer.
    But he decided he’d return and open his law office in his hometown because he could be a big man there.
    He rented an office and moved in but business was slow to start. One afternoon he saw a man coming up the sidewalk and decided to make an impression.
    As the man opened the door, Thomas picked up the phone, and motioning to the man to come in, said into the receiver, “I won’t settle this case for less than one million.”
    He continued, “Yes. The appeals court will hear that case next week.”
    And he went on, “Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”
    The instructions went on for several minutes; all the while the man sat patiently.
    Finally, Thomas put down the phone and said, “I’m sorry for the delay but I’m busy. What can I do for you?”
    “I just came to hook up your phone,” the man said.

  5. #875
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    An oldie - but a goodie!

    Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside town hall where a flower show was in progress.
    One leaned over and said, “Cripes, life is boring. We never have any fun these days. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!”
    “You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
    As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.
    Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause.
    The naked lady ran back outside surrounded by a cheering crowd.
    “What happened?” asked her waiting friend. “Are you OK?”
    “I’m great!” said the naked lady. “I just won 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement!'”

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A company owner was asked a question, “How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?”
    He smiled and replied, “It’s simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking.”

  7. #877
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Inner Peace

    I f you can start the day without caffeine,
    If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
    If you can resist complaining and
    boring people with your troubles,
    If you can eat the same food every
    day and be grateful for it,
    If you can understand when your loved
    ones are too busy to give you any time,
    If you can take criticism and
    blame without resentment,
    If you can conquer tension without medical help,
    If you can relax without alcohol,

    If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,



    Then You Are Probably

    The Family Dog!



    And you thought I was going to get all spiritual ....

    Handle every Stressful situation like a dog.
    If you can't eat it or play with it,
    Pee on it and walk away.






  8. #878
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Vintage medicine!



    It didn't fix a cold - but after a bottle - WHO CARES!


  9. #879
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What happened?!?" he says in panic. "I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
    He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

    The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

    "You rotten guy," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!!!"

  10. #880
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home.

    On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase home.
    The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went.

    In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane.

    The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time".

    The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
    The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Heck could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?"

    The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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