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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #71
    Forum Diehard RatDog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Rosemary, my sister, went to the department store to check out the
    bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon.

    When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list
    on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

    "Why do you say that?" I asked.

    "Because," Lisa said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."

  2. #72
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage.
    The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.

    "It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions.
    She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation,
    whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."

    "And you?"

    "I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China,
    if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."

  3. #73
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the
    country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the
    sociologists at the state university.

    They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved
    to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began
    designing their questionnaires and such.

    While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research
    effort, the project director decided to go to the local
    drugstore for a cup of coffee.

    He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

    "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock
    train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It
    wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back
    to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

  4. #74
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his
    home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter
    asked, "When did you bag him?"

    The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I
    went hunting with my ex-wife."

    "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

    "My ex-wife." replied the hunter.

  5. #75
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away
    with stealing several paintings from the Louvre?

    After planning the crime, getting in and out past security,
    he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline
    ran out of gas.

    When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
    make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had
    no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

  6. #76
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter.

    On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

    "Be still, my heart," thought my friend, "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

    Then the child spoke into the instrument:

    "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

  7. #77
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Things are still bad in the banking industry.

    The other day a fiend of mine went to the bank and asked the teller to check her balance.

    The guy leaned over and pushed her!
    [SIGPIC]
    view my listings here





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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A wife asks her husband,

    "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk,
    and if they have eggs, get 6."

    A short time later the husband returns home with 6 cartons
    of milk.

    The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?"

    He replied, "They had eggs."

  9. #79

    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by RatDog View Post
    A wife asks her husband,

    "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one gallon of milk,
    and if they have eggs, get 6."

    A short time later the husband returns home with 6 cartons
    of milk.

    The wife asked him, "Why did you buy 6 gallons of milk?"

    He replied, "They had eggs."
    His plan worked she wont send him again.

  10. #80
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by BAGHAG999 View Post
    His plan worked she wont send him again.
    Yes it did !

    My wife and I have a system
    for settling arguments.
    We just talk and talk
    until she's right.

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