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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #51
    Forum Diehard RatDog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Hah , I Like That !

  2. #52

    Smile Re: Clean Humor Thread

    >Here are some good things that happen as you grow older

    >Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off!

    >Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    >It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

    >If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

    >Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them, either!!

    >Your eyes won't get much worst.

    >Things you buy now don't have time to wear out.

    >And, one of the best advantages of being old.

    >"I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all. I just can't remember it all!"

  3. #53

    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    LOL
    I agree with most of what you said, except this one where things won't have time to wear out - I believe I can prove opposite.

    I haven't read this whole thread, but a friend emailed me a joke that I thought was funny, so forgive me if this turns out to be a redundancy.
    Here goes:


    A guy dials his home phone number from work

    A strange woman answers.

    The guy says, "Who is this?"

    "This is the maid," answers the woman.

    "We don't have a maid!"

    "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

    "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

    "Ummm... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

    The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

    "What do I have to do?"

    "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

    The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

    The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

    "Throw them in the swimming pool!"

    "What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.

    "Uh... is this 555-4821?"

  4. #54
    Forum Diehard RatDog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me.
    Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary ,
    the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
    "It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
    The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished
    his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
    "...underwater."

  5. #55
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    In honor of Memorial Day , the teacher I worked with read
    the Constitution to her third-grade class . After reading
    "We the people," she paused to ask the children what they
    thought that meant .

    One boy raised his hand and asked , " Is that like ' We da
    bomb ? ' “

  6. #56
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    When a minister rehearses his sermon is he practicing what he preaches ?

  7. #57
    Forum Saint sucadot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    What do you call . . . .

    . . . .the man who understands everything you say? Roger

    . . . .the chap you find lying on your porch? Matt

    . . . .the woman who never stands up straight? Eileen
    [SIGPIC]
    view my listings here





  8. #58

    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Two cannibals are sitting down eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
    I remember everything, even what happened tomorrow.

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  9. #59
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Household Physics :

    A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.

    Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

    A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

    The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

    The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

    Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

    The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls
    divided by the number of viewers.

    The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

    The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

    What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.

  10. #60
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.
    When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway.

    By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
    "The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

    The sitter joined me, her face a deep red.
    "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
    We kept the same girl for the next two years.

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