Clean Humor Thread

[hurryb4itsgone]

Just found this thread today ... and I'm lovin' it! Thanks so much for the laughs, grins, smiles and groans.

Let me give a little something back ....

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say.
*
"Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
*
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain it’s $500,000. For a female brain it’s $200,000."
*
Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked.
*
Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?"
*
"A standard pricing practice" said the head of the team. "Women’s' brains have to be marked down because they are used."

[HerMajesty]

hahahaha!!

[Livingx1]

[hurryb4itsgone]

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours; lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes and takes out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

“Very well, then," says God, "Let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

[Livingx1]

Just a thought.......
Next years Superbowl has been changed to Motel 6. They'll leave the lights on.

[JanetB]

Senior Moments by Golf Brooks - with Lyrics Closed Captioned

[hurryb4itsgone]

good one, jan!

Those Dirty Words
*
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
*
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"
*
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone. But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
*
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P L E A S E !!!"
*
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
*
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother...it's just terrible. Words like DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK."

[Anniemcc2]

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,

"Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and
began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching
you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the
parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?", the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[hurryb4itsgone]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
*
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said, "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window.
*
Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
*
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport, and landed safely.
*
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
*
The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

[hurryb4itsgone]

THE LEMON

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."