Clean Humor Thread

[RatDog]

I wanna go . . . .

[meebo1]

no wonder the moon seems so attractive to a lot of people

[RatDog]

John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner.

As they arrived at the door, his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John
and kissed him passionately.

"My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?"

"22 years", replied John.

"You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like that
after all those years."

"Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."

[RatDog]

A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client.

A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."

By return mail the lawyer had his bill back.

To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday."

[RatDog]

A father and son saw a fisherman standing waist-deep in the
water, repeatedly casting a net into the surging tide, but
it seemed every time he pulled it in, the net was empty.

"Look how hard he works to support his family," Dad
observed. "We can learn a lot from his perseverance."

"Aw, Dad," quipped his computer-savvy son, "he isn't
working; he's just netting the surf!"

[Anniemcc2]

New Residential/Nursing Care Program For Seniors

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison - where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need!



Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.

[Anniemcc2]

[penny291]

posted this on facebook and twitter cos it made me smile

"I wish I was a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. "cos how can you be grumpy When the sun shines out your bum!"

[poppa501]

[RatDog]

After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for
damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the
rest of his life in a wheelchair.

Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.

When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his check,
Miller was confronted by several executives.

"You're not getting away with this, Miller," one said.

"We're going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the
damages but stand trial for perjury. Here's the money.
What do you intend to do with it?"

"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied.

"We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally,

to a place called Lourdes--where, gentlemen,

you'll see yourselves one heck of a miracle!"