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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #21
    Forum Saint
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Names and obsession

    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions”, he observed.

    To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter, Candy.”

    He turned to the second mum. “Your obsession is money. Again it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”

    He turned to the third mum. “Your obsession is alcohol. That’s why you have named your child, Brandy.”

    At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go.”

  2. #22
    Forum Master KAYS6912's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
    He begins to worry.
    'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
    'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
    'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
    'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
    'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
    'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
    'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
    She whispers in his ear
    'That's me before the surgery.' ...
    Nancy
    Ceud měle f?*ilte!
    ‘A hundred thousand welcomes!’



    http://uk.ebid.net/stores/BARGAIN-BROWSER

    GENERAL STORE


  3. #23
    Forum Diehard RatDog's Avatar
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    Cool Re: Clean Humor Thread

    BUSINESS SIGNS

    ** Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.

    ** On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

    ** On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push

    ** Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
    fire and take appropriate action

    ** Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for,
    you've come to the right place.

    ** Scientist's Door: Gone Fission

    ** Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.

    ** Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

    ** Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

    ** Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

    ** Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

    ** Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.

    ** Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.

    ** Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

    ** Beauty Shop: Dye now!

    ** Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

    ** Computer Store: Out for a quick byte

    ** Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed
    up.
    ** Music Library: Bach in a minuet.

    ** Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.


  4. #24
    Forum Saint suesjools's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    LMAO!

    Best wishes for many sales to all,

  5. #25
    Forum Saint PATRIOT73's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Why I Am now Divorced

    Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

    I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
    'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

    As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone
    ' Happy Birthday.' I thought....

    Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

    My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
    So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

    As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said,
    'Good Morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!'
    It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

    I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door
    and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside,
    and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
    just you and me.' I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing
    I've heard all day. Let's go!'

    We went to lunch.
    But we didn't go
    where we normally would go.
    He chose instead a quiet bistro
    with a private table.
    We had two martinis each
    and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

    On the way back to the office,
    Rick said, 'You know,
    It's such a beautiful day...
    We don't need to go straight back to the office,
    Do We?'

    I responded,
    'I guess not.
    What do you have in mind?'
    He said,
    'Let's drop by my place,
    it's just around the corner.'

    After arriving at his house,
    Rick turned to me and said,
    If you don't mind,
    I'm going to step into the bedroom
    for just a moment.
    I'll be right back.'
    'Ok.' I nervously replied.

    He went into the bedroom and,
    after a couple of minutes,
    he came out
    carrying a huge birthday cake ...
    Followed
    by my husband
    my kids,
    and dozens of my friends
    and co-workers,
    all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

    And I just sat there....

    On the couch....

    Naked.
    "WALKING IS DEFINITELY OVERRATED"

  6. #26
    Forum Diehard RatDog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Morning All !

    Laughter is like changing a baby's diaper.
    It doesn't permanently solve any problems,
    but it makes things more acceptable for awhile.


    I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to
    the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

  7. #27
    Forum Saint sucadot's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    After giving a woman a full medical examination, the doctor explained his perscription as he wrote it out.

    'Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up.

    Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch.

    Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water.'

    'Exactly what is my problem Doctor?' the woman asked.

    'You're not drinking enough water.'
    [SIGPIC]
    view my listings here





  8. #28
    Forum Saint suesjools's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    LMAO! Love these!

    Best wishes for many sales to all,

  9. #29

    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    I am standing at the grave of my Mother in Law..... She is watching me..... I know she is.....

    She's looking through the kitchen window and thinks I'm digging her a pond.....


    Ollie.

  10. #30
    Forum Saint PATRIOT73's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Olliesitems View Post
    I am standing at the grave of my Mother in Law..... She is watching me..... I know she is.....

    She's looking through the kitchen window and thinks I'm digging her a pond.....


    Ollie.
    stik t'take ya dog 4 awalk lad.....................tutz
    "WALKING IS DEFINITELY OVERRATED"

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