Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

I Just Wanted to Order Pizza

Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?
No sir - it's Google Pizza.
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
No sir - Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.
OK. I would like to order a pizza.
Do you want your usual, sir?
My usual - you know me?
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.
OK - that's what I want .
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?
What? I detest vegetables.
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
How the hell do you know?
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago.
I bought more from another drugstore.
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
I paid in cash.
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.
That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - Whats App and all the others!! I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV -

Where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!
I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago!!

[Oldandintheway]

Dr. Banjo's Wise Words

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental. It doesn't relate to anyone in public office.

Ronald Dump was fat. Boy, he was fat. He couldn't drive a car because he couldn't get into the driver's seat, so he had to have a chauffeur drive him around while he sat in the back of a modified hearse that they loaded him into from the back. He couldn't take an airline flight because there wasn't enough room for him in the seats, and they wouldn't let him travel Air Freight. Fortunately, he had inherited multi-millions, so he had a Lear Jet purposely built to fit his dimensions.

As he got bigger and bigger he finally decided to do something about it, so, being rich, he called in the greatest experts of the day. They all had different approaches, and even different medications. Not one to do things by half he took all their advice, all their different methods, and all their medications.

He began to lose weight rapidly: so rapid that his skin no longer fit him. He was like a skinny man in a wet suit ten times too big. He turned to his Press Secretary who came up with a solution. He pulled all the skin tight and tied a knot above his head. Then he shoved a big hat over the knot.

The next day he went to meet the press. Everyone was astounded. "You look wonderful", was the response, "And we love your new tie..."

[Oldandintheway]

Two guys drinking in a bar out in the country. They were very drunk when they left the bar on foot.
They found themselves on a set of railroad tracks.

One guy says, "This is the longest set of stairs I ever climbed."
The other guy responded, "I can handle the stairs, it's this short handrail that's killing me."

[Oldandintheway]

Good Thinking

I went to the grog shop yesterday arvo on my bicycle......bought a bottle of Rum & put it in the bikes basket.
As I was about to leave I thought to myself...." if I fall off the bike, the bottle will break"!
So I drank ALL the Rum before I cycled home......Turned out to be a very good decision!
Because I fell off 7 times on the way home!!

[Oldandintheway]

An old man is upstairs, on his deathbed when he begins to smell chocolate chip cookies. He has always loved chocolate chip cookies. He slowly crawls out of bed and very carefully crawls down the stairs, crawls across the floor. As he reaches the kitchen door, he pushes the door open. There on the kitchen table are hundreds of piping hot chocolate chip cookies. He crawls over to the table and with every ounce of strength he can muster up, he reaches up and with his mouth watering, picks one up. His wife slaps him on the back of the hand with a spatula and says, leave those alone, those are for the funeral.

[Oldandintheway]

I know it's late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis, MN at the new U. S. Bank Stadium on Sunday, February 4th. They are box seats and he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400. bar tab and a pass to the winners locker room after the game. What he didn't realize when he bought them last year was that it's on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place. It's at St. Paul's Church at 3 p.m. Her name is Ashley. She's 5'4", about 115 pounds, a good cook, loves to fish and hunt and will clean your truck. She'll be the one in the white dress.
PS. am willing to provide photos of her rods, rifles & truck!

[Oldandintheway]

Groan

[Oldandintheway]

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner & even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.
He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand.
When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task.

After years of searching he returns as a grey- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers.
He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.

"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for:
By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask.
All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest, reflective and willing, strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold.
The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!

With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open.
Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.