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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #91
    Forum Diehard RatDog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed
    the students, pointing out some of the rules:

    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for
    all male students, and the male dormitory to the
    female students. Anybody caught breaking this
    rule will be fined $20 the first time."

    He continued:

    "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
    will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will
    incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

    At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

    "How much for a season pass?"

  2. #92
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    There was a professor at a university, he was well known amongst his female student for slipping in the odd vulgar joke during his lectures. this offended a majority of the female students who got together and decided that the next time the professor made a dirty joke during a lecture they would just stand up, and walk out.... well, the professor got wise to their plan. the next lecture came around and all the students were seated and the professor said "did you hear the one about the shortage of loose women in amsterdam?" with that, as planned, all the female students stood up and began to leave.... the professor said "ladies! please!... there are no flights to amsterdam till tomorrow!!"

  3. #93
    Forum Diehard RatDog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and
    talked with the old rancher. "I need to inspect
    your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

    "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

    The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister,
    I have the authority of the Federal Government
    with me!" Reaching into his pocket, he removed his
    badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

    "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to
    go wherever I wish, on any land! No questions
    asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear?
    Do you understand?"

    The rancher nodded politely. "Yes,Sir" and with
    that he went about his chores.

    A short time later, the old rancher heard loud
    screams. He looked up and saw the DEA officer
    running for his life with the rancher's big bull in hot pursuit.

    The bull was gaining ground on the officer with every step and it seemed
    just a matter of a few more steps before the officer
    would be gored.

    The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence
    and yelled at the top of his lungs: "Your badge!
    Show him your BADGE!!"

  4. #94
    Forum Diehard RatDog's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    "Life is like a doughnut... you're either in the dough or in the hole."

  5. #95
    Forum Saint suesjools's Avatar
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    LOL!

    Best wishes for many sales to all,

  6. #96
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.






    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.






    'You talk?' he asks.






    'Yep,' the Lab replies.






    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So,what's your story?'




    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'




    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger, so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'







    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.



    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.



    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'



    'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard.'
    Last edited by suesjools; 2nd September 2011 at 03:19 PM.

  7. #97
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    I *do* like the dog one - thats great!
    Not a member yet? Sign up now for free:
    http://uk.ebid.net/perl/normal.cgi?r...=register-main

  8. #98
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A man walked into a dress shop and told the clerk he wanted to
    buy an evening gown for his wife as a surprise.

    "What size?" asked the clerk.

    The man shrugged blankly.

    Trying to help, the clerk inquired, "Well then, what are your
    wife's measurements?"

    The man thought for a moment.

    "Small, medium, and large. In that order."



  9. #99
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    LOL!

    Best wishes for many sales to all,

  10. #100
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A wife asked her husband to describe her.
    He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K".
    She asks, "What does that mean"?
    He said, "Adordable, Beautiful, Cute Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
    Gorgeous, Hot".
    She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "?
    He said, "I'm Just Kidding' ".
    His eye is still swollen, but it will get better...

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