Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Slim, I’m 83-years-old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.

I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”

Slim says, “I feel as good as the day I was born.”

“Really? Like the day you were born?”

“Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants.”

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000.
It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected & saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this?

How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered"$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honourable profession, but I had no idea a vet made that much money," the pastor said.

"Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

[Oldandintheway]

[meebo1]

poor boy.

[Oldandintheway]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and — with his odd diet — he suffered from bad breath.

Alas, this made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is. (It was valid.)
Captain: Whose motorcycle is this?
Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.
Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[Oldandintheway]