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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #1141
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by FirstGreenIsGold View Post
    Oldandintheway ... a fellow ebidder recently contacted me and the fellow commented that he just been reading the forums and got a good laugh from your joke thread. Thanks for the laughs.

    Oh thanks very much Marie - I'm glad fellow members are getting a kick out of them. BUT
    Just to be 100% correct here - this isn't my thread, & everyone is very welcome to contribute.
    The thread was started by Rat Dog back in 2011. I just copy/paste from other places mostly. (so can't take any credit really)
    Cheers, Allen.

  2. #1142
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Happy St. Pat’s Day



    An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space.

    "Lord," he prayed. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the Guinness and go to mass every Sunday."

    Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.

    Without hesitation, the Irishman says: "Never mind, I found one!"


  3. #1143
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Payback time!

    Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in.

    While one of the robbers takes money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.

    While this is going on lawyer No. 1 jams something in lawyer No. 2’s hand.

    Without looking down, lawyer No. 2 whispers, “What’s this?”

    Lawyer No. 1 says, “It’s the $50 I owe you.”


  4. #1144
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Oldie but goodie!

    Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.

    He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

    Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

    “Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

    The burglar stopped again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

    The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: “What’s your name?”

    “Clarence,” said the bird.

    “That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you Clarence?”

    The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiler, Jesus.”




  5. #1145
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread


  6. #1146
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    He's got the ears right!


  7. #1147
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

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  8. #1148
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    ​hilarious!!
    Ta-Ta for now!

    HerMajesty



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    ALSO!! Click below to see my store, THE BEE'S KNEES!
    https://the-bees-knees.ebid.net

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    During a visit to a mental hospital, I asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?”

    “Well,” said the director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

    “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A rational person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

    “No.” said the director, “A rational person would pull the plug on the drain. Do you want a bed near the window?”




    Man has a flat tire in front of the mental institution. One of the inmates in the asylum watches him change the flat from his window.

    The man takes off the lug nuts and puts them in the hubcap for safe keeping but as he goes to put them back on after the tire was changed, he steps on the hubcap and the lug nuts go flying into a nearby storm drain, lost forever.

    The man doesn't know what to do. The inmate calls out: "just take one lug nut off of each of the other 3 tires and that should hold it until you can get into town and get it fixed."

    The man looks up at the inmate and say: "Man, you are pretty smart, what are you doing locked up here?"

    The inmate says: "I may be crazy but I'm not stupid."




    That same inmate was out in the yard and a bird flew over and pooped on his head.
    A worker said: "Wait and I'll get some toilet paper".
    The inmate replied: "You know, he's crazier than I am.
    By the time he gets that toilet paper, the bird will be in “Alaska"



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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread


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