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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #1221
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

    And God said that it was good.

    On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

    And God again said that it was good.

    On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said "That's kind of hard to want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

    And God agreed it was good.

    On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

    "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

    So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

    Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

  2. #1222
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

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  3. #1223
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    When the power went off at the elementary school, the cook couldn’t serve a hot meal in the cafeteria.

    She had to feed the children something, so at the last minute she whipped up peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and stacked them on the counter.

    As one little boy filled his plate, he exclaimed, “It’s about time! At last – a home-cooked meal!”

  4. #1224
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    I reckon there is a lot of truth in that

  5. #1225
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by meebo1 View Post
    I reckon there is a lot of truth in that
    Too true meebs! My Bro lived on Vegemite & Peanut Paste sandwiches till he was about 13.

  6. #1226
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

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  7. #1227
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    ​Love your posts!!
    Ta-Ta for now!

    HerMajesty



    Slide Inn for Vintage 35mm photographic slides
    https://uk.ebid.net/stores/Slide-Inn

    ALSO!! Click below to see my store, THE BEE'S KNEES!
    https://the-bees-knees.ebid.net

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by HerMajesty View Post
    ​Love your posts!!
    Ta very much your Majesty, glad you like 'em (hope you enjoyed the wedding!)


  9. #1229
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A traveling salesman was passing through a small town in Texas when he sees a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a house.

    So he stops and says to the little old man, “You look as if you don’t have a care in the world! What’s your formula for a long and happy life?”

    And the little old man says, “Well, I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night. In fact, I don’t usually get to bed until four in the morning.”

    And the salesman says, “Wow, that’s unbelievable. How old are you?”

    And the little man says, “22.”

  10. #1230
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    “I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.”
    ― W.C. Fields

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