Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

[Oldandintheway]

An elderly couple are in church.

The wife leans over and whispers to her husband, “I just let out a long, silent fart. What should I do?”

The husband replies, “First off, replace the batteries in your hearing aid!”

[sucadot]

[billsstamps]

I think you will find that is Viagra.

[Oldandintheway]

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl.

One night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.”

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife had a chat with her next-door neighbour.

“My husband spends his nights … calling out to owls,” she said.

“That’s odd,” the neighbour replied. “So does my husband.”

[sucadot]

[Oldandintheway]

A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office singing, “What’s new Pussycat? Whoa, oh, oh …”

The doctor asks him what the trouble is.

“I don’t know doc,” he says. “I just can’t stop singing ‘What’s new Pussycat?'”

“Sounds like ‘Tom Jones Syndrome,'” the doctor says.

“Is that bad?” asks the patient.

The doctor says, “It’s not unusual.”

[Oldandintheway]

Paddy was a youthful and hardworking Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland.
Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand Oysters which he sold to the local ice works.
He was a man of regular habits always arriving home each day at a certain time. Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.
One day he failed to come home so his Wife contacted the Police to investigate.
They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt beside him a huge grapple full of Oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.
Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said.......................... ...............



Wait for it!




OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!!

[sucadot]

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

[Oldandintheway]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Red Lodge, Montana for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.