Substitute Allen for Paddy!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Vfxuk8x_A
Morris was known for always promptly mailing his ex-wife’s alimony payment each month.
He explained, “I’m afraid if it’s late, she might try to repossess me.”
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Heard at the Owl Club Bar:
"Why are you paying so much alimony?"
"Cause it's worth it."
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the man who orders three beers.
Finally a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town, “I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers? "Tis odd isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond. The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer.
Then one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. Each time he orders only two beers. The word flies around the town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know the two beers instead of three and all. The man ponders this for a moment then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I myself have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Just chillun'
A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship.
His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying “Big deal, the cards up his sleeve,” or “He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!”
One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot.
For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician.
Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed “OK, I give up… where the heck did you put the blasted ship?”
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor sap’s thinking about getting married.”
The Blues Brothers Plus One!
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