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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #1081
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

    I find it ironic that the colours red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

    When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

    You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

    Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

    My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that..

    I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

    Money talks, but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

    If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

    I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

    My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

    My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

    Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

    The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

    The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

    I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

    The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

  2. #1082
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Exercise for people over 50:

    Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

    With a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can.

    Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

    Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

    After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-pound potato sacks.

    Then try 50-pound potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

    After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

  3. #1083
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Love the humor - it always makes my day better!! Thanks!
    Ta-Ta for now!

    HerMajesty



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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    I hope you tried the exercise

  5. #1085
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Glad you like them Your Highness

    No meebs - I use this method

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  6. #1086
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    John received a parrot for his birthday.

    The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

    John tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of.

    Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments.

    He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream – then suddenly, there was quiet.

    John was frightened he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

    The parrot calmly stepped out and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.”

    John was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask, what did the chicken do?”

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    :d

  8. #1088
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

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  9. #1089
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Bob and Joe, old friends who haven’t seen each other in years, meet unexpectedly.

    “Joe!” says Bob.

    “Bob!” says Joe, “How are ya? It’s been years!”

    “It sure has!” says Bob, “But listen, I’m in a rush right now. Why don’t you come to my place tomorrow and we’ll catch up?”

    “Sure!” says Joe. “Tell me how to get there.”

    “Ok. I live at 110 Lexington, apartment 12. Come to the lobby door and press the buzzer with your right elbow. Push the door open with your left foot when I buzz you in. Go to the elevator and use your nose to press the call button. Apartment 12 is on the third floor, so use your left elbow to press the button, then come along to my apartment and give the door a tap with your right foot, and I’ll let you in.”

    “Ok Bob. But why all the elbows and feet and noses?” asks Joe, perplexed.

    Bob says, “What, you’re coming empty handed?!”

  10. #1090
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    If you visit me you only have to press one bell and wait for me to open the door. Empty hands are not required

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