Clean Humor Thread

[Oldandintheway]

A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

[Oldandintheway]

Q: How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in and one to give it a final twist at the end.

[Oldandintheway]

The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.
He turned on the jockey.
“Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?”
“Sure I could have, but you know we’re supposed to stay on the horse.”

[Oldandintheway]

A woman with very nasty and loudmouthed children asks her friend why her kids are so polite and well behaved in contrast. She answered: there's a secret, I try to act very gentle to others when I'm pregnant and it rubs off on my children.
The woman is expecting again and she did exactly what her friend told her.
When the time came the nurse told her she was expecting twins, but they won't come out. All I hear is: After you, please.

[Oldandintheway]

A guy was meeting a friend at a restaurant, and as he walked in he noticed two pretty gals looking at him.
He heard one gal say to the other, “Nine.”
Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered to the table and told his buddy the women had just rated him a nine out of ten.
“Sorry to burst your bubble,” said his friend, “but when I walked in they were speaking German.”

[Oldandintheway]

A young blonde knocked on a guy's door and asked if there were any jobs going for her to earn some money. "Sure he says, here's some paint...the Porch needs some paint" ...One hour later she returns."That was quick he said"...and she replied, "I work pretty fast...by the way that wasn't a Porch...it was a Mercedes"

[Oldandintheway]

In the back woods of Scotland, Ian’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there, Ian!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down … I think there’s yet another wee one to come yet.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad … It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
Then Ian scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”

[Oldandintheway]

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a letter from the lawyer.
Inside was a bill.

[Anniemcc2]

[Oldandintheway]

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff.
Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
“Just how much are you being paid a week?” said the owner angrily.
“Three hundred bucks,” replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy’s hands, and said “Here’s a week’s pay – now get out and don’t come back!”
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said “How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?”
“He doesn’t,” said the supervisor. “He was just delivering a pizza!”