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Thread: Clean Humor Thread

  1. #891
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    The Vicar and Sex

    A school teacher met the local Vicar. She said, “You’re the very man I wanted to meet. Do you think you could come to the school next week and talk to my girls about sex?” He said, “I should be delighted.”

    That evening, he wrote in his diary: “Speak to girls at St. Margaret’s about S… sailing.” He didn’t want to put in sex, in case his wife saw it and mocked him.

    A fortnight later, the Vicar’s wife met the schoolmistress who remarked, “I can’t thank your husband enough for coming to talk to my girls.”

    The Vicar’s wife said, “He was delighted. I can’t understand though why he chose that subject.
    He’s only done it twice in his life. The first time it made him sick and the second time
    his hat blew off.”

  2. #892
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer’s garden.

    “I’ll give you my two pennies for that tomato,” said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

    “No,” said the farmer, “I get a dime for a tomato like that one.”

    The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, “Will you take two pennies for that one?”

    “Yes,” replied the farmer, “I’ll give you that one for two cents.”

    “OK,” said the lad, “I’ll pick it up in about a week"

  3. #893
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    There is no problem which cannot be solved by suitable application of blunt force.



  4. #894
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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A sheriff had a deputy named Wait.

    The sheriff and his deputy, Wait, were trying to track down a couple of bad guy brothers with the last name Joke.
    They got a lead that the Joke brothers were working with a guy named This One. They had reason to believe that This One was hanging out with a notorious perp named Me. So, they put a bug in Me's car to see if they could catch him driving around with This One.

    One day, the Sheriff and his deputy Wait were driving separate cop cars following Me to keep an eye on him and listen in on the bug in his car. All of a sudden, the sheriff thought he saw a Joke brother, so he took off chasing him. Wait continued to follow Me.

    Moments later, the Sheriff radioed, "I've got a Joke. Wait, stop Me if you've heard This One."

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    Some years ago a small rural town in Spain became a "Sister City" with a similar town in Greece.

    The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

    The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, this house could be built".

    The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, it was beyond luxurious.

    When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

    The Spaniard replied "....no...."

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    I astonished my wife by asking her if she'd care to take a cruise. Astonished because I hate boats and don't drink and have always said I would get bored. But on the principle that you shouldn't knock it if you ain't tried it, I said come on, how about it. I would even sign up for dance classes.

    She thought for a bit and said it's a nice idea but she wasn't sure she could be bothered with the business of finding something to wear every night for dinner. It's all right for men, she said, they can just wear the same tux over and over with a different shirt.

    What does she mean, a different shirt?


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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    “I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, ‘that’s us in 10 years.'”

    He said, “That’s a mirror, dummy.”


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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A little boy was attending his first wedding.

    After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

    “Sixteen,” the boy responded.

    His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

    “How do you know that?”

    “Easy,” the little boy said.

    “All you have to do is add it up, like the bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    A young couple move into a new neighbourhood.

    The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbour hanging the washing outside.

    "That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

    Her husband looks on, remaining silent. Every time her neighbour hangs her washing to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.

    A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and says to her husband:
    "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her how?

    The husband replies, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

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    Default Re: Clean Humor Thread

    There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would tee off and swing away. It was an obsession.

    One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do…play golf or give the Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick, and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

    An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.

    She went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

    The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

    The angel was a little shocked. She turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

    God smiled. "I did. Think about it - who can he tell?"

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